Social Etiquette, Holiday Edition

 

Hello Friends!

How are you? I hope you are surfing the holidays seas with ease and grace. I am trying. Maybe that girls trip to Florida put a couple wrinkles in my plan-but it was worth it!

As this newsletter drops I will be on my way to Pennsylvania for “Hunky Christmas”. That’s how my siblings and I and our families lovingly refer to our Polish Christmas gathering. (Our mother and grandmother were named Ann, and a Polish derivative is Hanka, which becomes Hanushka, Hanna, or often “Honey”.

Do you celebrate any special cultural traditions? I’d love to hear about them-you can share in the Mindset Over-Weight FB group (please do, my posts are getting lonely!)

Speaking of holiday family gatherings…sometimes these gatherings can be stressful, for a variety of reasons. I’d like to address how it can be particularly concerning for folks who struggle/worry about/are unhappy with their weight (these could be “normal” weight or underweight folks too).  Some concerns we might have:

• What do I wear?  Nothing looks good on me!
• How am I going to look in the family pictures? (my husband’s family has a long standing tradition of taking family portraits at the  gathering for the whole extended family. Not professionally, so it is a wild and raucous event-like herding cats!)

What is really unfortunate is that many people, because culturally, high weight is considered so bad for us, feel that they can offer unsolicited observation or advice about other people’s bodies or eating, good or bad.

Someone may be well intentioned when they say “You look amazing, you’ve lost weight!”

This is actually harmful to the recipient and to those who hear it. It suggests that someone did not look good before and it places such importance on physical appearance, which we have little control over. And the fact of the matter is that intentional weight loss is almost always followed by rebound weight gain. Thus there is that horrific feeling when the weight is starts coming back (Oh no! I will look terrible again). I have experienced this myself. To those who hear those remarks it reinforces the belief that “thin is better”…when in reality there is a range of body shapes and sizes, and good health is accessible in most of them.

Others may offer diet or nutrition advice, or suggest you adopt a certain exercise program, or supplement, or etc… And of course, the talk of diets for the “New Year” will pop up.

To those who might be on the receiving end of such commentary, hang in there and hold fast to your self-kindness and compassion. If you are expecting such commentary, you can try to prepare for it.

If someone comments on your weight gain or loss, you can

• Let them know if it hurts your feelings, if you are comfortable with that
• Share with them that you are focusing on your wellbeing, not your weight
• Share some of your accomplishments or activities that are important to you that have nothing to do with your size or weight.

If someone comments on what or how much you are eating (which NO ONE has a right to do), you can

• Ask to see their Food Police badge
• Let them know that the yummies you are eating taste so much better without a side helping of guilt. (I have to credit Leah Kearns with that comment, which she shared  on her “shoulders down” podcast, I had to use it!)
• (if you are comfortable with it) Share that you don’t assign moral value to foods (good or bad) and you are allowing yourself to enjoy foods at a party like everyone else.

I am not saying it is good for you to eat anything and everything at a holiday party with wild abandon. That’s not good self-care! If you are worried that you will lose control of your eating, you can do a few things to help you feel in charge of yourself.

• Eat regular meals as much as your schedule allows, even on party days. Don’t “starve” yourself to “save up your calories” for the party. If you are ravenous, you lose a lot of the ability to pick up on your internal cues about what you are hungry for, or how much is enough, and it can be easier to eat past comfortable fullness.
• Check in with yourself for hunger and fullness cues. That’s not to make rules about when you CAN or CAN’T eat, but those cues can inform your CHOICE about what and how much you want to eat.
• While holiday foods and the celebrations in which we enjoy them are special, the truth is, that, most of them anyway, are foods we can get at any time of the year. Remind yourself that these foods are available and abundant. This can help avoid that “Last Supper” mentality-like, I have to eat it all now because I won’t get it again for a whole year! Of course, there may be a few things like that, that you really can only get them at the holidays. Maybe Babbi only makes her delicious rolls for Christmas and Easter, and you love them… then eat them and enjoy them! (Maybe get her recipe 😉)
• Remember that nutrient dense foods are not forbidden during the holidays. One of my favorite meals after holiday indulgence is a nice veggie rich bean soup! (I’ll drop the recipe in Coaches Corner.) Remind yourself that these foods are on the menu also, and consider how they will make you (body and soul) feel.
• Maintain attention to your self-care, even if you have to modify it a bit. Maybe you need more restoration vs. rigor. Watch for signs that you are “running on empty”. Stop and refuel as best as you can (I mean that literally and figuratively). Don’t play games with eating and exercising to “pay for” eating things you have thought of as special occasion foods or treats. That doesn’t help you learn to recognize your internal cues.
• Alcohol can be ubiquitous at holiday parties and dinners.  I am not a teetotaler, but if you are trying to make peace with food and learn to recognize, honor and trust your body’s signals, alcohol can really interfere.  There are no real health benefits of alcohol (not even red wine).  What benefits there may be would much more likely be due to feelings of connection and community and celebration.  Just like with food, though, it is your choice.  Think about what you need, and about how you want to feel!

If you recognize yourself as the one offering the observations or advice, I invite you to consider:

• Inquire or talk about things not associated with size or weight, like a new job, ask about recent trips or hobbies.  We have so much we can talk about.
• You can comment on how much you like someone’s attire without commenting on their size.  “Oh that sparkle in that sweater is so pretty!”
• If someone is of high weight (and even if they are not)-I promise you they have likely stressed and worried about how they look, especially if they have gained weight.  They know!  They don’t need your commentary…but they DO need your acceptance .  “It is so good to see you and to get a chance to visit with you for a while”.

Enjoy and celebrate the season with fellowship, gratitude, grace and joy.  The peeps around you are not coming to the party for health or weight loss coaching any more than you are…and that is a good thing!  Your kindness and gentleness can truly be a gift!

Let’s all stick to our Holiday Plan as best we can, looking forward to and enjoying all the moments…the big celebrations and the small.  Much love!

Mindset Matters Most-feelin’ frazzled???

Take a breath, and repeat ad lib as needed.  (think of it as a carol that gets stuck in your head!)

Coaches Corner-here’s a recipe for you.

Sometimes after the holidays you just crave something more “nutrient dense”, less rich, more healing.  This is a great one for that!

bean soup recipe card